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A little over three years ago, I was seeing a therapist who told me it was like I was keeping all the good things I wanted and the positive thoughts of myself locked up in a box. She said I had it put up on a shelf and at some point, I had decided I wasn’t deserving of the contents. She said I was convinced I had to earn myself into worthiness. She told me I was already enough, and it was time for me to open the box.

In that moment, I realized that I was absolutely doing what she said. I started trying to do things differently, but change is hard. Even though hearing her words sparked something in me, the fire grew, slowly. I would think of what she said from time to time. It would be a small whisper when I knew I was denying myself what I wanted and accepting less than I deserved.

But then another voice would chime in, and it was a lot louder, “Who am I to want more?” “I should just be happy with what I have; there are people with less.” “I’m too damaged.” “What if this is the best I can do?” “I need to be grateful.”

I eventually realized these voices were loud and wrong, but they were defense mechanisms. Aiming low is easy and in my mind, I was keeping myself safe. I can’t be disappointed if I only go after what’s easy. I can’t be rejected if I entertain what’s convenient. And if I convince myself it’s what I deserve, I can stay right where I am, in my comfort zone. I wasn’t always that way and, I don’t think I can pinpoint exactly when I got to that space, but I realized my attempts to protect myself were doing more harm than good.

I’ve been slowly making changes. I’m finding that what’s helping me to keep my box off the shelf is being intentional. It means challenging my negative thoughts… Being honest with myself… Walking away from anything and anyone not aligned with my vision… Validating myself… Honoring my needs and my wants, too… Choosing me.

I’m sure it sounds arduous because it feels that way sometimes. I don’t always get it right. I occasionally notice I’ve slipped the top back on my box. I acknowledge that and I move forward. I’ve found that compassion and grace are needed in this journey. I’m steadily unpacking and allowing myself some joy.

Change is hard… but I can do hard things.

I started reading Matchmaking for Beginners a while back but I got busy and never finished. Sometimes I stop reading because I just cannot get through the book.. whether it’s because of lack of interest in general or lack of interest at that time. With this, life just got in the way. When I finally got back to it, I read the bulk of the book in 2 days.

This book is centered around two main characters, Marnie and Blix. Blix is an eccentric, matchmaking, free spirit. She is good at sensing people and she sees things like sparks; she can tell when people are meant to be together. She does spells and the like. Some may consider this supernatural or witchcraft or something like that but that’s not really how I interpreted it. I see it as her just being in tune with herself. She follows her instincts and listens to her gut. She has discernment.

Marnie is a twenty-something, who is engaged to Blix’s great-nephew, Noah. They meet at a party being held by Noah’s mother and they immediately click. Noah’s family is very prim, proper, and judgmental. Blix of course does not fit in at all. She spots Marnie and they pretty much talk for the entire time. While Noah’s family sees her as being the weird outcast, Marnie sees her differently.

I really enjoyed this book. I love, love. I also really loved Blix’s character. She’s very genuine, loving and so sure of herself. She’s great. I can’t say I loved Marnie but I did relate to certain things about her.

I wasn’t a fan of how Marnie couldn’t be alone. She just had to be in a relationship and that annoyed me. It could be because it somewhat reminded me of how I’ve been in the past. Even though I could technically be alone, I was still always a lady in waiting. To me, singleness was a curse, a punishment. I idolized love, relationships, and marriage. I was okay with being single for a bit as long as I knew it was temporary. No matter what good things came my way, they weren’t good enough if I would forever be single. That is part of so many stories and I really just want that narrative to be put down.

All in all, I would recommend this book. It has love. It has comedy. It has a little sadness. The book is well-written and easy to get into. If you have the gift of discernment like Blix and me, I’m sure it won’t take you too long to guess the ending but you still get a few surprises along the way. 🙂

Quotables:

The subversive truth about love is that it really is the big deal everyone makes it out to be, and it’s not some form of security or an insurance policy against loneliness. It’s everything, love is. It runs the whole universe.

Ever since I made up my mind to live the way I wanted to live, I’ve been provided for.

You need to forget what society has told you about life and expectations and don’t let anybody make you pretend. You are enough, just the way you are – do you hear me? You have many gifts. Many, many gifts.

Whatever happens, love that.

Honey. We can’t undo the scars and the burns. We can’t go back to that day, so we just have to figure out how to move forward from it.

We are all vibrational beings in physical bodies, and thoughts actually become reality so you have to make sure you’re thinking about what you want and not about what you don’t want.

Be open to what doesn’t seem possible, and you will be amazed what can happen. Darling, this is your time.

The Box

Book Review: Matchmaking for Beginners